Trying to Get Past the Noise To Listen

I do my best thinking when water is running, when a lawnmower is going and when music is playing. I don't really know why this is so, but as a person who is likely ADHD, it is probably because these sounds drown out the noise in my head that diverts me from one thought to many other directions in less noisy times. Why I bring this up at all is that I, like many others, am trying to stay focused on where we are in America as it relates to racist, how we intersect with it, and how we are complicit with it. 

While cutting my lawn the other day, I was struggling with why my town is once again in the throes of racial upheaval (like many communities who have been angered by the senseless deaths of black people at the hands of the police) and what I can or should be doing to be an ally to those on the frontlines. I am a white, heterosexual, male in my early 60s and work at a university as a career coach. I'm used to checking my identities in my work so I may be helpful to those I serve. In my private life, I am marched out. That is to say, I am no longer a willing marcher because the nature of protests is too unpredictable for me. I look for ways to support where I know what I am doing and it is clear to me why I'm doing it. Nonetheless, I was questioning my antipathy toward marching because the cause is right. That is, I believe that there is systemic racial disparity and change never comes without persistence. 

If I am 100% honest, and I'm trying to be, I'm also introverted enough that marches are not ever my jam. Call and response have always made me feel disingenuous, as I am not a cheerleader-type. Also, I am not a huge fan of crowds. And yet, for a lot of years, I just joined in anyway. Now, it is the last thing I really want to do.

But the cause is my cause and, as I pushed the mower, I had some clarity about what I should do with my conflict:

1.) You don't want to march, don't march. But also, don't use it as an excuse for paralysis.

2.) You have a voice, but you also have ears. Use them to hear others and to hear how you can contribute.

3.) You can use your privilege in a way to be supportive by reaching out to politicians, supporting people willing to march, and you can write.

4.) You know you can be better about acknowledging others you wish to be in alliance in a demonstrable way that is authentic.

5.) You can't question what is in yours or anybody else's heart, only what is in the way it comes out. The heart is seldom wrong, but the brain doesn't always have the knowledge or experience to get things exactly right and can often be clumsy in delivery. Nonetheless, you have to accept the responsibility for what you say and do and be willing to be criticized.

The worst thing that happens, in my experience, is when people remain paralyzed and do nothing at all. Personally, the guilt of non-action is almost too much to bear, so I am moved to taking actions that are easier to do than others. Contributing money to causes is one of the easy things. Writing letters, signing petitions, and sharing information are also easy for me to do. Watching video talks and reading up on current thoughts and going inside my head to work on my own hangups are intellectual things I do. Creatively, I journal, write prose/verse, and sing. All these things can be very solitary, but my heart is in the best place when I do.

I conclude by saying that it is always the anxiety of the noise we hear that keeps us from doing what we are most able to do. That's probably why I like to cut the grass, it allows me space to hear myself not only think, but to form a plan of action.