Happy New Year's 2013--Is It Too Soon To Say the "Serenity Prayer"?

Happy New Year’s 2013! Before I begin delving into the real news of the world, I thought I would begin the year by reflecting on what I expect will be the highlights of it by New Year’s Eve 2014:

In 2013, we learned that the US political system is slightly better than North Korea’s, but only because we don’t call our Commander in Chief, All Supreme Being.

In 2013, Child Protective Services removes Honey Boo Boo from her home and remanded her care to a pack of foster wolves.

In 2013, the Chicago Cubs make it to the World Series. As always, they paid for their own tickets.

In 2013, Iowa City decided on a developer for an important parcel of land, a 13 story combination retail/apartment building will be built in the Oakland Cemetery. Black Angel Towers is expected to open in early 2015.

In 2013, The US Supreme Court made a landmark decision that allows same-sex couples to marry any heterosexuals that they choose.

In 2013, the US Congress began impeachment hearings for VP Joe Biden who was arraigned on charges of bringing “Sexy Back” to Blair House.

In 2013, Michelle Obama announced that she will not seek the Presidency when her husband’s  term finishes. However Bo is not ruling out any future offices.

In 2013, John Boehner was narrowly re-elected as House Speaker to which he said, “Why do bad things always happen to me?”

In 2013, Massachusetts voters elect the entire Boston Red Sox to Congress.

In 2013, after falling in a fiscal cliff, actor James Franco survived for 120 hours existing on government surplus cheese and You Tube videos that he was able to download on his iPhone.

In 2013, urban chickens in Iowa City rallied at city hall seeking their own seat on the council. Said spokes-chicken Henrietta Egglayer, “The foxes have been running the hen house for too long, we feel it is time for the chickens to have a fair shot.”

In 2013, a new proposal for a Justice Center has been made by Johnson County Supervisors. The proposal includes a grocery store, a bowling alley, and a movie theater, in addition to jail space for 500.

In 2013, Psy and William Huang were named celebrity judges to the last season of American Idol. Psy also joined with 60’s Funk legends guitarist Freddie Stone, trumpeter Cynthia Robinson, drummer Gregg Errico, saxophonist Jerry Martini, and bassist Larry Graham to form “Psy and the Family Stone.”

In 2013, Louis CK was arrested for performing lewd acts in front of a crowd of people at the Comedy Basement. He had been previously seen eating a slice of pizza after getting out of the subway.

In 2013, test scores at US high schools rose to the highest levels of all nations. Outgoing Secretary of Education Arne Duncan said “This proves that US students are able to cheat on standardized test as well as any Chinese student who paid another student to take the test for them.”

In 2013, Hillary Clinton was released after having a large tumor removed when a Westchester county judge granted her a divorce from former President Bill Clinton.

In 2013, House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer admitted to having a sexual relationship with former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. The national press corps worked tirelessly trying to remove that image from our heads.

In 2013, Secretary of State John Kerry and members of the Swift Boat group that opposed his presidential campaigned signed a peace accord. In that accord, the Swift Boaters will be able to live freely in the West Bank, but not be able to have settlements in the Gaza.

In 2013, Texas petitioned Mexico to reclaim it from the United States. Mexico respectfully declined.

In 2013, the Bush tax cuts were finally repealed from the top 1% of income earners. Replacing them will be newly appointed ambassadorships in Luxemburg, Lichtenstein, The Grand Cayman Islands, Switzerland, and Dubai.

In 2013, progress was made to reduce the number of assault weapons in the United States when a lone gunman ended the life of the entire Kardashian family. Basic cable subscribers everywhere picketed the NRA headquarters leading spokesperson Wayne LaPierre to state for the record, “Perhaps too many ignorant people are allowed to carry high capacity magazines and to watch cable television. We grieve the death of the family and pray that Kanye West gets the treatment that he so desperately needs.”

In 2013, President Obama announced a new jobs bill that guarantees a job for every college graduate in the United States. In related news, the US Armed Forces is predicting that they will be able to fill the ranks with needed new soldiers ramping up to the war with Iran.

In 2013, People magazine announced a new cover for February of 2014. Rudolf Valentino was just named “The Sexiest Man No Longer Alive for 2014”—fans of Montgomery Clift and James Dean were outraged.

In 2013, Comedy Central announced that they will not renew the contracts of Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert. Representatives of Stewart and Colbert were noticeably relieved.

In 2013, newspapers across America updated their Christmas time “Dear Virginia letters” to include “Yes, Virginia, there really are newspapers.”

In 2013, the winner of the Westminster Kennel Club’s “Best in Show” was a pit bull with an unclipped dew claw. Hercules was the first ever “Bully” to win the prestigious title. Said head judge Linda Lavimore, “His passion and commitment were so evident, how could he not win?” Charges against the dog’s owner, Rich Jacobs, for failing to heel his dog were later dropped by Ms. Lavimore.

In 2013, former Congressman Ron Paul opened a chain of “alternative-lifestyle” gated communities in Colorado and Washington State.  The former leader of the Libertarian movement has sold out of all the combination free-love and free cannabis, survivalist dwellings in a record three weeks.

In 2013, The Live Strong Foundation filed suit against former leader and disgraced cyclist, Lance Armstrong declaring that Armstrong has infringed on their name with his new Love String Foundation. Said Armstrong, “I feel like my love of string was something I had to hide as a champion cyclist, but through my new foundation, I hope to turn a whole new generation on to the joy and pleasure that you can get with a ball of string. I am way past “Live Strong,” I wish that they could get past me.”

In 2013, The Israelis retired from the Middle East and moved to Boca Raton, Florida.

In 2013, due to the ongoing global financial crisis, Muslim extremists will now receive 68 to 71 virgins for martyring themselves. Leader Khomeini Abdullah said, “In this economy, you’ve got to cut corners where you can.”

In 2013, wind power replaced traditional energy sources in the US Senate. Each member of the Senate has a table-top wind turbine for which they must give a monthly filibuster. Since January, no bills have actually been passed, but energy consumption has been so greatly reduced that the excess energy has been sold and residents in Washington, D.C. have seen their electric bills decrease by 38%.

In 2013, the Mars exploration craft has signaled back to NASA that it would be okay if it did not have to come home.

In 2013, Lindsay Lohan went missing. Her whereabouts are still unknown.

In 2013, Portlandia creators Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein developed a series of ultra-hip web-based spinoffs called Denvernia, Boisopolis, Tampanana, and New O. They will play all the main characters themselves. Veteran actors John Leguizamo, Eddie Izzard, and Robin Williams will play all the other parts.

In 2013, the Nobel Peace Prize went to Boca Raton, Florida.

In 2013, Congress issued a restraining order against President Barack Obama. Said a distraught John Boehner, “Why does he not get it? The relationship is over. Over!” President Obama’s assistant Press Secretary Bill Flenderson said, “While the President, of course, is upset at the House’s action, he does stand by his statement that he just wants to talk, that’s all, just talk.”

In 2013, Sir Paul McCartney and Bruce Springsteen reformed the E Street Band. Sir McCartney will replace Clarence “The Big Man” Clemmons on saxophone and backing vocals as well as Max Weinberg on drums, and “Little Steven” Van Zandt on lead guitar. Said an elated Springsteen, “Is there anything that Paul McCartney can’t do? He is the shit.”

In 2013, in a confusing move, food producer Marie Calandar purchased the rights to the Mayan Calendar. Said V.P. of Marketing, Vanessa Svetig, “we like word play.”

In 2013, The Chicago Bears hired Phil Jackson as their newest head coach. Defensive End Julius Peppers said, “He doesn’t say too much, but it’s like he feels you, you know?” In related news, Tex Winter was posthumously hired as Offensive Coach.

In 2013, thousands of young protestors lined the streets of Dublin and hurled epithets at members of the Irish Parliament calling for their resignations after Ireland’s Internet crashed for several weeks. In what would later become known as “Irish Spring”, the ruling party was brought down by a call from opposition leader Seamus Manley for improved IT capabilities. When asked if she supported Manley, one protestor said, “Manley, yes, but I like IT, too.”

In 2013, the highly anticipated follow-up to “Fifty Shades of Gray” was unveiled to less than stellar sales. “Fifty Shades of Bray” sold a thousand copies before a New York Times reviewer pointed out that the storyline was exactly the same as the first book except there was a donkey character added. Author E.L. James’ publicist reported, “Ms. James is completely embarrassed. She was so surprised that anyone bought the first book that she was unable, in good conscience, to write another one. It actually was her publisher that created the “Eeyore” character in the second book.”

In 2013, Iowans found their previously elected governor, Terry Branstad, too sexually irresistable. As a result, Branstad has been legally fired from his job. Said Branstad, "I guess I take that as a compliment."