Rhapsodizing While Winterizing

You may have noticed that Winter began last night. I'm sure I wasn't the only one who was impressed by its viciousness--what with the nose hair-freezing temperatures and all. But still, you'd think that winter would get the message that people don't care for it very much.

Winter, as season's go, is the one that people see coming at the party and conveniently turn to speak to anyone else when it walks toward them. Winter, if you are listening, you are in need of a makeover. For one thing, do you have to be such a cold bastard? Couldn't you mix it up a little bit so that we could enjoy the sensation in our extremities for at least part of your time with us?

Also, the white stuff. We like the white stuff conceptually. We actually look forward to the first downpouring of your by-product. It worked in "White Christmas" and "Frosty the Snowman." But the continuous pounding we take from you is a real buzz kill. So to summarize, Christmas--yes, please snow. From February to mid-April, no need to trouble yourself.

And then there is Winter fashion. There is no person the planet that looks good in a parka. If procreation of the species were dictated by Winter garments, we would have died off a long time ago. It was evolution that allowed us to devise bare-bottomed union suits, fireplaces, and hot rum toddies.

People don't do so well on ice. You may not have noticed that the National Hockey League does not have an endless sea of qualified players. Most of us are not particularly good on the slippery stuff and we haven't evolved enough to develop blades on the bottom of our feet at this point. Kids like sliding around on icy sidewalks because it is as close to driving a car as they are allowed to experience until they are teenagers. The rest of us truly have no need to slide under a car and crack our skulls open in the process.

Still Winter--I will give you one thing, if you were a aging rock n' roll band, I'd still go to your concert. Local act Fall is a great opener, and the infectious Spring is a hell of a headliner. The fact that we have to sit through you is a credit to your chilling staying power.

Rock on, Winter. Rock On.