Remembering My Nephew

 My nephew Colin Matthew Klein shot himself in the head on the evening of November 1, 2018. He was high and drunk and had access to a loaded handgun that he used to shoot himself. He did not die immediately, but by the time the ambulance arrived at this home and before his parents could arrive on the scene, he was likely brain dead. As I write this, it still punches a hole in my gut to remember that troubled 27-year-old young man. Colin was married to a wonderful and caring woman and was the father of a beautiful six-month-old boy.  

Colin was a funny, high-energy kid who was the daredevil kind--always finding a way to find something to get into. Because our family is spread out around the country, I did not spend a great deal of time with him, but when I did, he was a blast. He tried to teach me to play his Tony Hawk video game and just thought it was hysterical that I could not manage the deft eye-hand coordinated moves that he could on his Nintendo controller. I remember him trampolining, but I also remember him being all over the place. It didn't surprise me to learn that he was diagnosed with ADD and that school was rough for him. As he got older, and likely because he was a smallish kid with a big mouth, he got into fights and was bullied. Later still, he got into trouble for stealing stuff including a car and later on a gun. He spent a lot of time in the county lock-up and so never had a real plan for his life.

He reached out to me when he was incarcerated and told me that he had plans to become an automobile mechanic and was going to some trade school in Nashville. That was a plan that didn't happen. However, somewhere in all this, he met his future wife and he started slowly putting his life together. He was 25 when he and Brooke married and he was doing odd jobs before finally finding a job doing landscaping. He took to it really well despite having no training, like my brother, he was a creative guy with his hands. He showed me pictures of some of his projects and I heard the pride he had in the work.

The last time I saw him alive was at a family Thanksgiving with my dad in Dayton. He doted on his new son and yet, there was a sadness about him. He would often have to step outside and smoke or check his phone. He was there, but also not there. I learned later that he was on social media a lot and the bullies were there too. He was haunted by people who liked to tear him down and rather than ignore them, he got into it with them online. Sadly, he carried this into his life and used heroin to numb himself. 

Colin was really close with his mom and would call her when he was in the dumps. The day he killed himself, she talked with him on and off all day long. She was used to his mood swings, but something was different on that day. He had taken some cough syrup and had been drinking on top of that. By all estimations, he went from being coherent to totally incoherent. 

I had vaguely been following his Facebook account and saw that he changed his Avatar to a picture of some bullets. I was worried both because of the posts, but also from a feeling I had. At about five in the morning, I reached out to his mother in a chat and she wrote back, "My boy is gone." He had shot himself outside the home where his baby boy slept in peace. He had gone outside shortly after hanging up on his mother who immediately jumped in her car to go to him. He lay bleeding from his head wound when she arrived. 

The ambulance arrived and the paramedics finding signs of life rushed him to the nearby hospital. Early on November 2nd, he was pronounced dead caused by a single gunshot wound to the head. He was cremated and a memorial service was held at the resort where my brother works. I remember visiting the house he had last lived in and finding loose bullets under the couch and a heroin fix kit between the bedroom mattress. My heart broke into a million pieces imagining the nightmare that Colin was living in his head, even while holding his baby son. People break every day. Disappointments mount and mental health is compromised. What neither love nor time could do for Colin was to help him see himself as others did, not a perfect being, but a person on his way to becoming a father to a son who would someday look up to him.

To anyone who may be reading this and feeling like you might harm yourself, there is always help. Below are places to reach out to even when you feel absolutely and horribly alone. I beg of you, call one of these numbers.

From CNET

Mental health and suicide hotlines

These two services specialize in helping individuals (and their friends, family and loved ones) who are having suicidal thoughts. That said, both services can provide support for other mental health issues.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline fields calls 24/7 for anyone with suicidal thoughts or who are 

Crisis Text Line: Text Hello to 741741

Crisis Text Line fields messages about suicidal thoughts, abuse, sexual assault, depression, anxiety, bullying and more. What makes it unique is that it's entirely text-based, which makes it easy for anyone who doesn't feel comfortable or safe talking on the phone to use it.

You can text 741741 in the US or UK (686868 in Canada), reach out via WhatsApp or message Crisis Text Line on Facebook for help. You'll be matched with a volunteer counselor, who is supervised by a licensed, trained mental health professional.

Crisis hotlines for kids and teens

These two services are aimed at different audiences. YouthLine is available for kids and young adults who want to talk to someone about what's happening in their lives, while ChildHelp tackles issues of child abuse.

YouthLine: Text teen2teen to 839863, or call 1-877-968-8491

YouthLine provides a safe space for children and adults ages 11 to 21, to talk through any issues they may be facing, including eating disorders, relationship or family concerns, bullying, sexual identity, depression, self-harm, anxiety and thoughts of suicide.

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: call or text 1-800-422-4453

For issues related to child abuse, Childhelp connects you with professional counselors to help in a crisis, and provide information on how to get help. They offer phone support in 170 languages, or you can chat online with a counselor.

Domestic and sexual violence hotlines

For anyone who is a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault (or know someone who is), these hotlines offer counseling and advice.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Text "START" to 88788 or call 1-800-799-7233

Anyone who is experiencing domestic violence and/or abuse, plus anyone concerned about a friend, family member or loved one can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours a day, seven days a week. They offer support in more than 200 languages, and offer a confidential, secure online chat.

National Deaf Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-855-812-1001

The National Deaf Domestic Violence Hotline is a spinoff from the NDVH specifically for Deaf and Hard of Hearing individuals. 

You can get help over email, or talk via video call to a trained counselor. 

Rape and Abuse

RAINN: 1-800-656-4673

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network's hotline is for anyone who's experienced sexual abuse or assault. 

When you call its main hotline, you'll be connected with someone at a local organization in your area who can provide live support and direct you to additional resources. RAINN also offers live chat on its website.

Hotlines for the LGBTQIA+ community

Whether you're struggling with your gender identity or sexuality, or are experiencing a crisis and want to talk to someone who is part of the LGBTQIA+ community, you can lean on these hotlines. 

The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678678

LGBTQIA+ kids and teens can reach out to The Trevor Project for support during a crisis, if they are feeling suicidal or need a safe space to talk about any issue. You can also chat via their website or by texting START to 678678.

Trans Lifeline: 1-877-565-8860

The Trans Lifeline provides support specifically for transgender and questioning callers, run trans people. They provide support during a crisis and can also offer guidance to anyone who is questioning their gender and needs support. 

The hotline is available between 7 a.m. and 1 a.m. PST (9 a.m. to 3 a.m. CST or 10 a.m. to 4 a.m. EST). But operators are often available during off-hours, so no matter when you need to call, you should.

A few other LGBTQIA helplines that offer support, but not necessarily crisis intervention:

LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

LGBT National Youth Talkline: 1-800-246-7743

LGBT Senior Hotline: 1-888-234-7243

Drug or alcohol abuse

If you are experiencing any kind of emergency situation related to drug or alcohol use, you should call 911 or your local emergency line.

SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357

If you are struggling with addiction or are concerned about a loved one's alcohol or drug abuse, you can contact the hotline for the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. This US government agency offers support and information about treatment and recovery.